"If ye love wealth better than liberty, the tranquility of servitude better than the animating contest of freedom, go home from us in peace. We ask not your counsels or your arms. Crouch down and lick the hands which feed you. May your chains set lightly upon you, and may posterity forget that you were our countrymen."

Thursday, 30 July 2009

Roll Up! Roll Up!

Please form a neat and orderly queue here on the left, Ladies and Gentlemen. No pushing at the back there, Madam. Ithankyewverymuch.

Now then, look at this Ladies & Gents, look at this intricate craftsmanship. Think of the hours of loving care and attention to detail that's gone into this little beauty. Oy, you Sir, yes, you in the bomber jacket - how much do you reckon I'm going to charge you for this piece of plastic perfection? Three hundred quid? No! Two hundred quid then? Wrong again, have another go. A hundred smackers? No, not even close Ladies & Gents.

Tell you what, as a special deal, if you buy one today, just give me seventy-five quid, your biometric iris & finger prints and all the civil liberties that have ever accrued to you since the Anglo-Saxon Witan of the 7th Century, through 1066, 1215, and 1258. I can't say fairer than that now can I?

It sounds too good to be true doesn't it but there's not only that, there's more. I know, you can't believe it can you Ladies & Gents? Well, I kid you not - Honest Johnson's my name, ask any of the blokes that ran the stall before me.

Buy one of these and we'll take the worry of looking after your identity off your shoulders - 'cos we know you've got a lot on your mind at the moment what with working out when to put the wheelie bins out so's you don't get fined.

All the information on this card will go into a database belonging to the government and in return for this we're not even asking fifty quid - oh dear me, no! We've thought of everything and to help you with the problem of carrying round all those bulky driving licences that spoil the line of your suit we'll let you have one of these slimline-weigh-nothing handy little fellas for only thirty smackeroonies plus every democratic parliamentary advantage this country has fought and died for in over a thousand years. What d'you say? It's a no-brainer, really it is. Deal?

Oy! Who at the back said 1689? Show us your papers! Officer, arrest that man!

Honest Johnson, the man with the Nothing to Hide, Nothing to Fear Stall, is coming to a market-place near you.
ID card unveiled


  1. Why do they continue to waste time & money on this when the Tories are going to ditch this scheme when they take over anyway?

  2. Because they like to spend money they don't have?

    Cameron has said he'll scrap the database as well - we just have to keep an eye out for what, if anything, he intends to replace it with.

  3. Now Howard, that was too near reality to be enjoyable.

  4. Damn, sorry GV mixed you up with that other wonderful man. Hope I'm forgiven.

  5. SR - I may be many things (and wonderful might be one of them) but a man I am not. Sorry for any confusion.


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