"If ye love wealth better than liberty, the tranquility of servitude better than the animating contest of freedom, go home from us in peace. We ask not your counsels or your arms. Crouch down and lick the hands which feed you. May your chains set lightly upon you, and may posterity forget that you were our countrymen."

Thursday, 10 September 2009

Nelson at Trafalgar

A joke spotted elsewhere:
Nelson: 'Order the signal, Hardy.'
Hardy: 'Aye, aye sir.'
Nelson: 'Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?'
Hardy: 'Sorry sir?'
Nelson (reading aloud): 'England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion, age or disability" What gobbledegook is this?'
Hardy: 'Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an Equal Opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist.'
Nelson: 'Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.'
Hardy: 'Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments.'
Nelson: 'In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main-brace to steel the men before battle.'
Hardy: 'The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking.'
Nelson: 'Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ... full speed ahead.'
Hardy: 'I think you'll find that there's a 4-knot speed limit in this stretch of water.'
Nelson: 'Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please.'
Hardy: 'That won't be possible, sir.'
Nelson: 'What?'
Hardy: 'Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir - no harness. And they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.'
Nelson: 'Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy.'
Hardy: 'He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck, Admiral.'
Nelson: 'Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd.'
Hardy: 'Health and Safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently-abled.'
Nelson: 'Differently-abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of Admiral by playing the disability card.'
Hardy: 'Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.'
Nelson: 'Whatever next? Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.'
Hardy: 'The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral. They're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.'
Nelson: 'Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?'
Hardy: 'Actually, sir, we're not.'
Nelson: 'We're not?'
Hardy: 'No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.'
Nelson: 'But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil?'
Hardy: 'I wouldn't let the ship's Diversity Co-Ordinator hear you saying that, Sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary report.'
Nelson: 'You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King.'
Hardy: 'Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest - it's the rules. It could save your life.'
Nelson: 'Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?'
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And there's a ban on corporal punishment.'
Nelson: 'What about sodomy?'
Hardy: 'I believe that is now legal, sir.'
Nelson: 'In that case..... kiss me, Hardy.'

7 comments:

  1. Well said, highlights the scytzo nature of the NaZoviet state nicely.

    Top banana.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Superb! That deserves to go round the blogosphere.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Roflmao! Send that to Ainsworth and Foulkes. Bet they wouldn't crack a smile.

    ReplyDelete
  4. top stuff - who wrote it?

    ReplyDelete
  5. I've no idea T - it's just floating around the ether - spread it around if you like.

    ReplyDelete

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