"If ye love wealth better than liberty, the tranquility of servitude better than the animating contest of freedom, go home from us in peace. We ask not your counsels or your arms. Crouch down and lick the hands which feed you. May your chains set lightly upon you, and may posterity forget that you were our countrymen."

Tuesday, 2 March 2010

Yorkshire Jokes

Because it's been that sort of day:

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom ?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi' us."
****
A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone, yer daft begger!"
****
A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "She were Thine" engraved on it.
He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral. True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.
When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "She were Thin". He explodes - good grief, man, you've left the flamin' "e" out!
The stone mason apologises and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning.
Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason - "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you"..
The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud - "E, She were Thin".
****
Bloke from Barnsley with a sore backside asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"
***
THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A Yorkshire lass

The first man married a woman from Essex. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Sussex. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a lass from Yorkshire. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
He still has some difficulty when he pees.
***

5 comments:

  1. Love the last one GV, reckon were I in the market and had the energy, would steer well clear on a Yorkshire lass!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I really should have put the word 'jokes' in quote marks Mr W - I've heard better but they were all I could dredge up to try and counterbalance the previous posts :-)

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  3. "Vet: "Is it a tom ?"
    Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi' us."

    Took a while, got there in the end.
    At age 15 I revisited the Derbyshire town of my kiddiehood, calling at the house of an old chum I was confounded by the statement that he was "ran tan". That took a while too.

    ReplyDelete
  4. That one's actually my pick of the bunch, Banned - nicely pithy.
    'Ran tan'? In town? I've no idea what it means - put me out of my misery...

    ReplyDelete
  5. Had my Yorkshire LASS for 52 years lost her to cancer,still miss her
    5 year on. RKOK

    ReplyDelete

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