"If ye love wealth better than liberty, the tranquility of servitude better than the animating contest of freedom, go home from us in peace. We ask not your counsels or your arms. Crouch down and lick the hands which feed you. May your chains set lightly upon you, and may posterity forget that you were our countrymen."

Saturday, 8 December 2012

A Doctor Advises

Are you feeling detached from reality? Is your throat slightly tight and feeling rather sore? Perhaps you have a twinge or two in your shoulder area?  Do you feel a vague, debilitating ache in your stomach?  If any of these symptoms apply to you, please don't worry your GP unnecessarily because these are merely symptoms of being hanged, drawn and quartered.

Being hanged, drawn and quartered isn't particularly pleasant but I always find my patients pick up when given a dose of Common Purpose and a jolly good arse-kicking combined with a prescription for apathy and a guilt-trip.  It's normal to experience a twitch or two so don't be alarmed; it's only the death-throes of a Nation and nothing to worry about.

My patients occasionally exhibit flights of fancy.  For example, they might think that they're 'English' or that society rots from the head down. I re-iterate that this is an aberration and the local chemist is always pleased to dispense medication to deal with cognitive dissonance.

I advise my patients not to tell anyone of their symptoms lest they become the object of bullying and derision in their neighbourhood. Under normal circumstances I prescribe a darkened room with blinds drawn and on-demand access to the television News (the state-funded, EU-funded BBC is only available via your prescription); in that way they can more readily understand the reason for their vague aches and pains and finally accept reality.

We have blue pills, red pills, white, pink and yellow pills so, please, make an appointment soon so that the State can make your nasty nightmares go away.


  1. I know a lady who lost both legs in a traffic collision, amputated below the knee.
    She is a 'glass half full' person, very positive and full of fun despite her disability.

    She was invited to attend a mental health facility on the grounds that she might be manic depressive (Soz, Bi-Polarrrr) and that she might collapse into suicidal behaviour. When it was suggested that she might be "detached from reality" she replied
    "The only thing that I am detached from, mate, is my legs!"

  2. These menthealthpeople are incredible - you meet tragedy with bravery and they think you're detached from reality because you're not contemplating suicide? They really are the pits. Thanks, Banned.


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